& these words are all mine.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A New Perspective: I am [In]Significant

August 11th, 2009

I did some much needed soul searching while wandering the shores of Ponte Vedra beach recently. Although I can't say I found my soul - or any hopeful convictions that there was one to find, whether previously or potentially - I did manage to salvage a small bit of enlightenment. Luckily I had pen, paper and some magnificent moonlight to capture the moment(s) of despair and confusion, and then, finally, the subsequent epiphany: these feelings are inevitable but not eternal. Funny how the ocean can make you feel so insignificant in the world, with its grandiose consumption of the horizon and the inescapable sound of crashing waves. I cherish that magnanimity.... Without nights like this, my problems - big and small - would surely amplify a deafening amount.

If courage would grace me
I’d break these cycles of ungrateful pity
And leave the comfort of my egocentric womb;
I’d shake these chains of antipathy
And finally proceed from my self-loathing tomb
-
If only some angelic miracle would embrace me
,
I'd walk until I reached the moon
.
My anatomy could lose all encumbrance of the land
,
But alas, I can’t even grasp a generous ray in my hand;

I could walk forever and never reach a thing
.
No conclusion, no resolution
,
Certainly no sense of direction
,
Never a hint of depth perception to adorn my eyes
,
All the while wondering how I was devoured alive-

Swallowed whole by longing,

Consumed in my entirety.

And even though it's merely temporary

I feel comfort in not belonging
.
This world holds much more beauty

Than I could capture with a lifetime of writing
.

Still forward now I coast closer to oblivion,
Each step providing another redundant blister
;
Maybe that's all I'm meant to be is a drifter,

Morbidly drawn to the unknown repugnance

With no significance and nothing to offer,

No purpose or motives to alter,

Just an entity providing penned substance

Substantial to no one but me.

I just can't escape existence enough

To clasp a hand around the lunar cast
,
And drown the sounds of the ocean with my ignorance
;
Eluding these truths is not an option -

I truly could be meant for nothing.


Onward, I wander aimlessly,
Aiming for nothing unintentionally
.
Such a painful rupture of this internal rift
,
Flaunting the conclusions I drew on everything I knew
;
All of them blinded, misguided, and hasty
.
Now my pretentious shell lingers, though frail and unsteady,

But at last I grasped the insights I once thought petty
.
I’d be wise to recognize this amnesty as a gift
;
Desperation, helplessness:

Such shameful attributes I associated with
.

My legs still alternate forward and backward
,
Certainly less ominous than my awkward speculation
.
There's a light in the distance I know to be my destination
,
But it's dim, comparatively grim,

Barely visible unlike my moonlit familiarity
.
So I trail my own shadow
,
Tagging along with a hollow sincerity
,
Matching its pace but not leading the way
-
It makes me sick it's so cliché.

As I’m returning to a reality I often deemed unworthy

Each footstep is strenuous, forced, coaxed yet sturdy
.
Side stepping

Criss crossing

I’ll prevent my feet from landing in the same predicted pattern
.
My reach for a connection threatens my taciturn agenda

Far beyond what most simple minds can comprehend,

But my heart has recovered enough to offer simplicity amends;

Finally, I am fine in knowing that this is where it ends.

Widgety Widgetson

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