Mighty Soul, Simple Mind

& these words are all mine.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Tears solve nothing

I cry as if it will mend my wounds.
I cry as if it will heal your heart.
I cry as if it will fix the world.
And weep as if it will weaken your words.
But our sun has been asleep
For how long, who really knows.
One doesn't notice these things until it's too late
Especially through the haze endless tears create
Oh, once that sun illuminated the way to our resting ground,
the spot we aimed to embrace forever.
But with no guiding light
I can only feel a different set of tears
They're enticing a trend of ghoulish fiends
They're a feast for these monstrous things
And they come to bequest this fallacy of love
Yeah,
Love was nothing more than a hopeful notion anyhow
It was our storybook written, day by day,
Page by page
No one could peek ahead and see
That the ending was a gruesome severance
Both protagonists once of high reverence
Now reduced to a coroner's bin fillings
Now words,
Summarized on papers,
Hole punched and bound
Filed and tucked away
Neatly, more or less,
Depending on the deputy
Regardless to our unrest.
What will instigate an oppressive haunting
because I feel one commencing
With no more tears to solve nothing
I need to perpetuate this useless cycle
And allow my nothingness to do just that

Fuck you, humanity, I hate you

Humanity, I hate you. I hate your disgusting disregard for the bountiful endowments evolution has empowered you with. You've proven to be a wasteful, disrespectful, ungrateful, abhorrent species, not worthy of anything this universe has given you. Not worthy of the anonymity, not worthy of the uniqueness, not worthy of the fucking round rock you stomp around on with your arrogance and exploitation and erroneous destruction. You pride yourselves in discovering the minutiae yet can’t even discover the grandiose semblance of connectivity amongst yourselves. You can weave intricacies between galaxies and molecules, you can create mathematics and physics to supplement your insignificance, no different from the religious zealot, yet you cannot even discard your indifference to the suffering both caused and felt by YOU, always you. You create truth, in lieu of listening to the truths that have already been created, and this conceit is destructive. Most destructive to those who can see the destruction happening and yet can do nothing to thwart it.

I am speaking from a place that is now subhuman, because of you. I've blamed myself for too long and it’s a god damn cosmic joke I've been naïve to; perhaps willingly, but no more.

Because? Because you've worn me down. You've drained me, then trained me to know nothing but disdain. Any creature that is filled with contempt for its own kind cannot be considered itself any longer. Any person that is no longer living, only surviving, has become nothing more than a dangerous beast. And I am only human enough these days to acknowledge this fact. It helps nothing. To call myself an animal would be a compliment. A beast abreast is nothing more than a menace. My chosen environment augments my instability; my danger is amplified in this city. I feel a discord that is terrifying, I’m sure, if only I could feel anything except rancor.

Yes, I hate YOU. I hate you, slow walkers. I hate you, pretty face. I hate you, vagabond. And I fucking hate the rest of you, you who pass out flyers and you who ask for signatures and you who dig in the trash and you half-smilers and you businessmen and you who cough outrageously and you who let your gaze linger too long on my hate-filled face. I hate every creed and gender and race and age with such an unwavering equality that no one is spared from my revulsion, not even you, so please don’t allow yourself to feel fucking special or singular.

Fuck you for being white, fuck you for being black, fuck you for being male or female, fuck you for being so easily stereotypical. Living a life you don’t even like – why do you do it? Because you’re selfish, and insatiable. Hope is a farce and even staring that truth in the face, you still cling to this life. Because you’re selfish. And insatiable.

I want to spit in each of your faces. I want to slap each smug face with such force that your pompous energy is launched into the atmosphere, allowing me to bathe in its antagonism. I want to hold my space on the sidewalk and run you off it, to let the door slam in your face for once instead of allowing you through it first, because I’m too tired to hold my own head up let alone hold a foreign door open for a stranger. This doorway is MY entrance and YOUR exit; this sidewalk is MY space to occupy and own and rule with tyranny. I will cling to this selfishness from now on because you've shown me it’s the only way to live. And I fucking hate you for robbing me of my kindness.

I hate you, street vendor, you with your culturally appropriate clothes and hair and job and aura – your desperate grasp on uniqueness is palpable and ordinary and confines you to a crowd so much further from counterculture than when you began that I can feel nothing but thorough enjoyment over your blatant failure. I hate your black punk rock themed BBQ stand and your meticulously gelled mohawk aimed to match it. Fuck your customers buying into your cheap trickery to sell a piece of dead meat in a perceivably cool fashion. I loathe your stupid subscription to a lifestyle that is so benign and contrived I could vomit. Fuck your stupid rolled jeans, like you rolled out of a magazine. Your fucking tatted arms and tatted food truck, aren't you just fucking divine?

I want to knock down your spatially unaware children. Don’t you teach them that other people exist? Of course not, you only teach them to be ignorant and selfish because we really only learn from example, and you are the prime example of ignorant, egocentric behavior.  I’d love nothing more than to tell them to quit fucking smiling, that it won’t last, and that it makes the rest of us subliminally feel like shit because all we can muster is furrowed brows and thin lipped frowns. We know better. And you can shove your innocence-protecting up your fucking ass, because you are ruining their innocence every fucking day, every fucking interaction, and I will not absorb the guilt you refuse to feel when you choose ignorance. Will you never understand that the awfully inescapable human condition is contagious?

I want to smash the 16th Street pianos because you do not play for the beauty of music, you play for the attention it brings you. You care nothing of the meaning contained within those notes, only that you hit the right ones to catch the admiring eye of a passerby. You experience no gratitude towards the very existence of an unexplainable phenomenon that has brought nations to their knowing and cultures to their cultivation. I'd chop your fucking fingers off if it meant sparing the rest of us your choppy version of a masterpiece, simply because you do not give a single fucking care towards its brilliance. And I hate whoever placed those pianos there. I hate them for giving you the opportunity to embarrass the creators of the most sacred souvenir given to one of our few fallible senses. I hate that you have the opportunity to embarrass what is arguably the only thing humanity has done right. Created by us and ruined by us, it’s a treacherous pattern to which we've enslaved ourselves.

Oh how I want to smash in the faces of you pitiful handicapped fucks. You, you fucking scourge, you fucking useless, insatiable blood suckers, bound to wheelchairs that fucking mock me, mock me to no end. Your pathetic existence just begs for my mercy and pity and I have none of that to give. I care not to explain how your own kind has bled me dry of it. And since you have nothing to give either, you only take and take and take and take, I feel a contempt towards you that may be the most fiery form of hatred. I hate you because your self-obsessed, subconscious destitution is manifested in your lameness and swaddled in metal instead of hidden like the rest of humanity’s disgusting, wretched, harrowing nature. You expose all of humanity with your deplorable presence.

Fuck you for driving a car. Fuck you for giving your kids the same haircut. Fuck you for cowering under an umbrella in a lightning storm. Fuck you for delaying life in order to post every fucking moment to Instagram or Facebook. Just FUCK YOU in every capacity possible.

Punch your numbers into your godawful machine, take my money in return for something I require to live, and then I fucking dare you recite those empty words as if you truly wish me to have a good day. You only know “good” as the opposite of bad and that is not enough. That is not a fucking way to define goodness. You can’t define something by showcasing its antithesis.

God DAMN I hate you all. I hate your belonging and I hate your need to belong and I hate your clinging and the fact that your answer to those poignant demands is public comradery, knowing damn well that beneath your shiny, shallow surface you are just a self-serving piece of shit that is unworthy of any happiness, faux or otherwise. 

This anger has been learned. This anger has been learned, and so I feel no remorse in hating you, humanity. Your glimmers of good no longer have any fucking place in my ever-forming opinion – you could have never created evil, but you did, and that is most evil of all. Then to propagate it…No, I cannot forgive you.

If I've incited hatred in you, then I've paid it forward, as was done to me. It’s now important to know, to admit, that the most passionate hatred I experience is towards my own self. I hate myself for allowing myself to feel this way, for allowing you to disempower me, for allowing you to disarm me from my loving defenses, to allow myself the pomposity to identify myself as a “self” from my inception. I hate my longing for a connection to you, for acceptance, I hate myself for needing you to define what is me.  I look in the mirror and see a person filled with nothing but disgust and I can in turn feel nothing but disgust towards my person. Towards my former person, as I am now just a shell carrying the incurable virus known as hatred; simply an empty vessel that now that only survives to fuel a perpetual hatred towards its own self and the beings that resemble my own former self. I fucking hate me, and it’s because I fucking hate you.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Haste

Oh, what haste,
I've left my former self to waste,
But you abandoned your heart unguarded,
And all I wanted was a taste.

You've established your place as my self-proclaimed prize,
Resisting the struggle but all the more wise:
A disintegration of all our previous ties,
A confession of inertia's ceaseless demise;
Concussed in lust, cocooned in desire,
I felt our longing a compromise;
Now but a victim dancing in your hungry fire,
So brilliantly illuminated in your scarlet eyes.

Inviting me to blend our willing flesh -
To dutifully leave our skepticism behind,
To conjure a sinful innocence,
Unsure of the rapture I would find.
I was captivated, nonetheless,
With anticipation of a cruelly endearing unrest,
Tempting me to tenderly unwind
Each ecstatic bit of you one moment at a time.

Our synchronized pulse is a bind of my will,
With irresistible resistance drawing me nearer to you still.
Then melted and merged I find we're finally alive,
Each gray matter thought pattern intertwined;
Tiptoeing in, cascading out,
Silently, proudly professing all martyred doubts.

Partially unaware of what I might find.
Truly you intrigued me, your flame cast beneath me,
Your flaws no longer a burden of any kind.
So I overcame you in an omniscient state,
And you conquered me with a peaceful mind,
And though I know I will not stay -
We will not, cannot, endure or remain -
Our love will end in beautiful disarray
Since ghostly is the chasm that serves to separate.

But in these breathless moments now,
I'm astounded how much that breach does allow.
Me consumed in you, you devoured in me,
With barely enough energy to please each nerve ending.
Aware of each impulse - the receiving, the sending;
Our bodies demolished - the breaking, the bending;
Our souls rejuvenation - the molding, the mending;
Proof that love can be both deep and relenting.
 My God, did you glow; my God, how you begged,
With a greedy appetite I selflessly fed.

Despite how powerfully this passion began
We embarked knowing there would be an end,
We embraced realizing it was useless to pretend -
Back when monotone emotions stirred from a single glance
And tepid tensions boiled beneath a simple utterance
Back when we began, back then....

And of all the things with which we could be filled
We chose each other, these short-lived thrills,
Able to smother and harness untameable will.

Then as quickly as I had abandoned myself
I had to retreat to my original shell;
Again taking refuge in self control,
Alone and whole;
Prowling for yet another soul,
I severed our bond allowing the ebb to flow;
A silent departure - we knew it would never grow,
For when we commenced we fused at full potential.

Oh, what haste we say goodbye for an eternal while,
Fearless, flawless, with faceless smiles;
A trial of resilience, a bold denouncement of denial,
A declaration that attachment remains complacently futile.

Untitled II

I was hungry with nothing to eat
My teeth scattered across the filthy concrete
Visibly uneasy as I claimed defeat
I was lonely... but you weren't there for me.

So I screamed as loud as my lungs would allow
Until my voice went hoarse and blood filled my mouth
Tears formed depressions on the dirty ground
I was desperate...but you were nowhere to be found.

Then I compounded myself with false capacity
That midnight gloom devouring my sanity
And your shadow was there only to laugh at me
I was afraid... but you clung to your apathy

I wanted to KILL, I wanted to die
I foolishly wanted you to sympathize
I knew your persistent absence could never suffice
I was enraged... but you wouldn't compromise.

I trusted my instincts without even thinking
I followed faithlessly without believing
But no sense of relief came from my leaving
I was lost... and I know you'll never seek me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Untitled

I am me, it's all I know to be
Me being me, at times reluctantly
Some moments sad, some moments happy
Outlooks always alternating
But this is me, and me is all I can be.

My self loathing ways have consumed entire days
And self-righteous fights have created sleepless nights
I've tried, I've failed
I've let my most shameful thoughts prevail
I've been both a mirage and oasis for those I've called friends
But this is still who I am, in the end

So if I am made of emotions that are fleeting
And phantom pains that are temporary
And thoughts that either empower or defeat me
Then I can find comfort in knowing
That the simplest form of me being me
Is a beating heart that is open and steady
A bleeding heart that is warm and ready.

But this heart of mine has limits, you see
It cannot love another before I love me
Before I accept me as a being only progressively complete
As an imperfect exception to a blueprint of perfection

Now you can be you, that's all you can do
You can project your depression in destructive ways
You can protect your fears to push love away
It's your choice to judge me, or even try and nudge me
But don't expect that anything you deflect my way will stay
For I may be impressionable but I will not be swayed.

You want me to be more, yet easier for you if I were damaged
You encourage in me humility, yet imply I be savage
You want me to be better, yet battered
Braggable, yet broken
You prefer I follow the same insane patterns
That landed you at lonely.

See this, too, I can be
Which makes you not so different from me
Perhaps weighted with more burden than you flaunt
I am stronger, kinder, all the wiser
Not more than you, just more than you want.

And though at times I may feel hollow
My God has already illuminated my path
And it's the only one I will choose to follow.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Tip of the Iceburg

I hate existential thoughts.
I'm tired of wondering why,
How much longer,
Where to after this.
Nothing is promised in life, and certainly no one ever promised that life would be easy. Death seems like the only thing we can count on, but who's to say death isn't just an awakening from this bad dream we know as living?
"They" say everything happens for a reason, and it's easy to see that in retrospect - sometimes. So does that mean our fate is written in the stars?
Better yet, what the fuck does it, or anything, really matter...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Trust, Finally

Finally I trust in love,
'Cause love, I trust in you.
I trust we’ll find our way;
Most lovers wander, without aim,
But I know we’ll find our way.
I know, I trust,
I believe you and I will triumph,
Even despite the time we spent dismantled -
Nevermore, nevermind,
Humankind will someday recognize
That ours is a love
Found is psalms, songs and sonnets,
Proclaimed by poets,
Delicately sewn into sunsets
And throughout the bloom of springtime.
New & renewed by a golden sunshine,
I feel everlasting;
Quitting myself was easy this time.
Happily derailed from my habitual life,
I was mundanely lame,
A beast of a thing.
No, I never knew a truth like this,
I trust in love like never before.
I trust myself simply, wholly,
With a cosmic force -
I divorced the false center of my core,
And I adored you more as I was dying.
Then at your word, I soared,
I enveloped us in life once more,
Absorbed into each and every pore
I feared your breath for the briefest moment,
But found that exhaled, I am pure,
With a trust for us more powerful than ever before.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wishbone

'Pucker up,' these streets were screaming,
So I'm tasting the asphalt again,
Planting kiss upon kiss on the tire worn pavement,
Allowing the remnants to sift through my barren hands;
The light post pouring reminders upon me
That it was in this spot our story first began...

Someone will have to coax me down,
Gently, now-
The ground relentlessly beckons me from this balcony,
Calling me,
Still calling me yet...
Vowing not to let me forget
That it was here our lips first met.

From afar
The ocean waves crash much the same,
A generic vision captured in my memory unchanged.
But upon the shore
I'm experiencing so much more,
Still hearing our voices with the wind,
And still seeing our footprints in the sand
From the time you and I first realized
How perfect wandering felt side by side.

I remember this raw energy,
The people so busy, hustling by.
None of them seemed to notice
That this was the first time you didn't sit close.
Istantly I knew that something was wrong;
You stayed long enough to explain that you're moving on,
Then rushed off and melted with the crowd,
And just like that: you were gone.
Dazed,
For some time I remained in a decrepit state.
My desperation seeped onto the table, my chair,
Completely infected the air,
And alarmingly, as I sit here today,
I feel as void as the afternoon you walked away.

Now these four walls entangle my consciousness,
I'm reversing the situation for my own sake,
Finally discovering simplicity in all of this,
For finally, I can say:
That I hope you enjoy choking on the wishbone
I just dislodged from my own throat;
Yes I want to see you bleed,
Just one more time for me.

And I think it's about time I've found me
Solid ground to rest my aching limbs
Since I strayed too far into the deep end again.
But I left all false hopes
In the belly of that callous underworld,
Glad now that time has passed
Since you had me fully submerged.
Nowadays, I refuse to revoke the airflow.

These days, I've fully regained my foothold
Having fully, 
Fearlessly, 
Finally let you go.

Someone Has a Secret

Retreating to a cobwebbed corner,
I've left the core of my soul to waste.
Trust or defeat?..I chose the former,
For in past times it was myself I'd isolate.
While the shadows demand that my pupils dialate
Digress, I beg,
Direct your footsteps another way.
Internally wearied by your endless tearflow,
I save my days for hunting your hero;
The night time for lullabies to lay him down,
Sodden notes,
Fallen anectdotes all around
Surrounding your dirt filled ears with sound.
Miracles are waiting to fade from the scene
Fazing me from far out of reach,
But I'm about to take a hold and slow,
Slow or else I won't,
I won't have time to sort which emotion I should suffocate.
Do you think I really missed your descent from grace?
No, the lies that spilled out now gravitate.
Oh, someone has a secret,
Someone has a secret dangling in my face,
Yes someone came equipped with some sinfully alluring bait.
Now rise against the ocean waves,
The sun rays in the desert,
Fuse the elements together just for fun
I know you've always craved such power
And I'll take what I've learned and run,
I'll run forever.
Forever sinking in regret,
Forever straining to forget.
Forever forgetting to remember
That it's so simple: I simply deserve better.


A Little More Betrayed


Slow Down,
Don't utter such distasteful words just now.
Patience,
As I'm trying to find serentity in this cruel existense.
Trying with all my might
To increase the distance between us tonight.
Dissecting myself to figure this out,
You've got me stumbling,
Struggling,
Stuttering steps back to sanity;
And nothing said eases my doubts,
Only you can clarify reality now.
Vague impressions of you left across my skin,
My mind,
I've circulated through each emotion thousands of times.
I've rearranged myself to fit you more completely,
To fulfill all of your needs,
And while I'm fully consumed by you it seems,
You devote your attention to such meaningless things...

Utterly senseless,
I'm dragged to my senses again,
I awoken to realize
That it's your heart I'll never win.
So unsure you'd ever choose me,
Yet I stick around for you to use me.
Abandon me,
Abuse me,
And all the secrets I've been exposing-
The feelings I've never tried to hide,
The same ones you fabricated to me..
And still I wonder why you lied.
Still I cry sometimes
My tears to douse the embers inside,
To cleanse a bleeding heart
That beats itself undone for no one.
I wish you'd feel my tears upon your face,
Just so you'll turn to where they come from
And see me in their place.
It's no longer a matter of strength,
I'm more concerned with how I'd ever walk away-
What would it take,
Would I be wrong?
What if I'm finally remembered once I'm gone?
All this time spent suffocating,
Such a waste of air,
Relating something to nothing when nothing was there.
Patterns of emptiness plagueing me lately,
But are you even aware?

And last of all I fall from you,
If dreams come true,
Then soon
You should be falling too.
Into me,
I'll hold you so closely,
Make you wonder how you ever smiled without me.
Only then I think you'd see
How sublimely your life could be lived beside me..

At one time I thought I could lower your guard enough,
It would have been that easy
If only you weren't so afraid of love

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