Haste

Oh, what haste,
I've left my former self to waste,
But you abandoned your heart unguarded,
And all I wanted was a taste.

You've established your place as my self-proclaimed prize,
Resisting the struggle but all the more wise:
A disintegration of all our previous ties,
A confession of inertia's ceaseless demise;
Concussed in lust, cocooned in desire,
I felt our longing a compromise;
Now but a victim dancing in your hungry fire,
So brilliantly illuminated in your scarlet eyes.

Inviting me to blend our willing flesh -
To dutifully leave our skepticism behind,
To conjure a sinful innocence,
Unsure of the rapture I would find.
I was captivated, nonetheless,
With anticipation of a cruelly endearing unrest,
Tempting me to tenderly unwind
Each ecstatic bit of you one moment at a time.

Our synchronized pulse is a bind of my will,
With irresistible resistance drawing me nearer to you still.
Then melted and merged I find we're finally alive,
Each gray matter thought pattern intertwined;
Tiptoeing in, cascading out,
Silently, proudly professing all martyred doubts.

Partially unaware of what I might find.
Truly you intrigued me, your flame cast beneath me,
Your flaws no longer a burden of any kind.
So I overcame you in an omniscient state,
And you conquered me with a peaceful mind,
And though I know I will not stay -
We will not, cannot, endure or remain -
Our love will end in beautiful disarray
Since ghostly is the chasm that serves to separate.

But in these breathless moments now,
I'm astounded how much that breach does allow.
Me consumed in you, you devoured in me,
With barely enough energy to please each nerve ending.
Aware of each impulse - the receiving, the sending;
Our bodies demolished - the breaking, the bending;
Our souls rejuvenation - the molding, the mending;
Proof that love can be both deep and relenting.
 My God, did you glow; my God, how you begged,
With a greedy appetite I selflessly fed.

Despite how powerfully this passion began
We embarked knowing there would be an end,
We embraced realizing it was useless to pretend -
Back when monotone emotions stirred from a single glance
And tepid tensions boiled beneath a simple utterance
Back when we began, back then....

And of all the things with which we could be filled
We chose each other, these short-lived thrills,
Able to smother and harness untameable will.

Then as quickly as I had abandoned myself
I had to retreat to my original shell;
Again taking refuge in self control,
Alone and whole;
Prowling for yet another soul,
I severed our bond allowing the ebb to flow;
A silent departure - we knew it would never grow,
For when we commenced we fused at full potential.

Oh, what haste we say goodbye for an eternal while,
Fearless, flawless, with faceless smiles;
A trial of resilience, a bold denouncement of denial,
A declaration that attachment remains complacently futile.

Untitled II

I was hungry with nothing to eat
My teeth scattered across the filthy concrete
Visibly uneasy as I claimed defeat
I was lonely... but you weren't there for me.

So I screamed as loud as my lungs would allow
Until my voice went hoarse and blood filled my mouth
Tears formed depressions on the dirty ground
I was desperate...but you were nowhere to be found.

Then I compounded myself with false capacity
That midnight gloom devouring my sanity
And your shadow was there only to laugh at me
I was afraid... but you clung to your apathy

I wanted to KILL, I wanted to die
I foolishly wanted you to sympathize
I knew your persistent absence could never suffice
I was enraged... but you wouldn't compromise.

I trusted my instincts without even thinking
I followed faithlessly without believing
But no sense of relief came from my leaving
I was lost... and I know you'll never seek me.

Untitled

I am me, it's all I know to be
Me being me, at times reluctantly
Some moments sad, some moments happy
Outlooks always alternating
But this is me, and me is all I can be.

My self loathing ways have consumed entire days
And self-righteous fights have created sleepless nights
I've tried, I've failed
I've let my most shameful thoughts prevail
I've been both a mirage and oasis for those I've called friends
But this is still who I am, in the end

So if I am made of emotions that are fleeting
And phantom pains that are temporary
And thoughts that either empower or defeat me
Then I can find comfort in knowing
That the simplest form of me being me
Is a beating heart that is open and steady
A bleeding heart that is warm and ready.

But this heart of mine has limits, you see
It cannot love another before I love me
Before I accept me as a being only progressively complete
As an imperfect exception to a blueprint of perfection

Now you can be you, that's all you can do
You can project your depression in destructive ways
You can protect your fears to push love away
It's your choice to judge me, or even try and nudge me
But don't expect that anything you deflect my way will stay
For I may be impressionable but I will not be swayed.

You want me to be more, yet easier for you if I were damaged
You encourage in me humility, yet imply I be savage
You want me to be better, yet battered
Braggable, yet broken
You prefer I follow the same insane patterns
That landed you at lonely.

See this, too, I can be
Which makes you not so different from me
Perhaps weighted with more burden than you flaunt
I am stronger, kinder, all the wiser
Not more than you, just more than you want.

And though at times I may feel hollow
My God has already illuminated my path
And it's the only one I will choose to follow.

The Tip of the Iceburg

I hate existential thoughts.
I'm tired of wondering why,
How much longer,
Where to after this.
Nothing is promised in life, and certainly no one ever promised that life would be easy. Death seems like the only thing we can count on, but who's to say death isn't just an awakening from this bad dream we know as living?
"They" say everything happens for a reason, and it's easy to see that in retrospect - sometimes. So does that mean our fate is written in the stars?
Better yet, what the fuck does it, or anything, really matter...

Trust, Finally

Finally I trust in love,
'Cause love, I trust in you.
I trust we’ll find our way;
Most lovers wander, without aim,
But I know we’ll find our way.
I know, I trust,
I believe you and I will triumph,
Even despite the time we spent dismantled -
Nevermore, nevermind,
Humankind will someday recognize
That ours is a love
Found is psalms, songs and sonnets,
Proclaimed by poets,
Delicately sewn into sunsets
And throughout the bloom of springtime.
New & renewed by a golden sunshine,
I feel everlasting;
Quitting myself was easy this time.
Happily derailed from my habitual life,
I was mundanely lame,
A beast of a thing.
No, I never knew a truth like this,
I trust in love like never before.
I trust myself simply, wholly,
With a cosmic force -
I divorced the false center of my core,
And I adored you more as I was dying.
Then at your word, I soared,
I enveloped us in life once more,
Absorbed into each and every pore
I feared your breath for the briefest moment,
But found that exhaled, I am pure,
With a trust for us more powerful than ever before.

Wishbone

'Pucker up,' these streets were screaming,
So I'm tasting the asphalt again,
Planting kiss upon kiss on the tire worn pavement,
Allowing the remnants to sift through my barren hands;
The light post pouring reminders upon me
That it was in this spot our story first began...

Someone will have to coax me down,
Gently, now-
The ground relentlessly beckons me from this balcony,
Calling me,
Still calling me yet...
Vowing not to let me forget
That it was here our lips first met.

From afar
The ocean waves crash much the same,
A generic vision captured in my memory unchanged.
But upon the shore
I'm experiencing so much more,
Still hearing our voices with the wind,
And still seeing our footprints in the sand
From the time you and I first realized
How perfect wandering felt side by side.

I remember this raw energy,
The people so busy, hustling by.
None of them seemed to notice
That this was the first time you didn't sit close.
Istantly I knew that something was wrong;
You stayed long enough to explain that you're moving on,
Then rushed off and melted with the crowd,
And just like that: you were gone.
Dazed,
For some time I remained in a decrepit state.
My desperation seeped onto the table, my chair,
Completely infected the air,
And alarmingly, as I sit here today,
I feel as void as the afternoon you walked away.

Now these four walls entangle my consciousness,
I'm reversing the situation for my own sake,
Finally discovering simplicity in all of this,
For finally, I can say:
That I hope you enjoy choking on the wishbone
I just dislodged from my own throat;
Yes I want to see you bleed,
Just one more time for me.

And I think it's about time I've found me
Solid ground to rest my aching limbs
Since I strayed too far into the deep end again.
But I left all false hopes
In the belly of that callous underworld,
Glad now that time has passed
Since you had me fully submerged.
Nowadays, I refuse to revoke the airflow.
These days, I've fully regained my foothold
Having fully, 
Fearlessly, 
Finally let you go.

Someone Has a Secret

Retreating to a cobwebbed corner,
I've left the core of my soul to waste.
Trust or defeat?..I chose the former,
For in past times it was myself I'd isolate.
While the shadows demand that my pupils dialate
Digress, I beg,
Direct your footsteps another way.
Internally wearied by your endless tearflow,
I save my days for hunting your hero;
The night time for lullabies to lay him down,
Sodden notes,
Fallen anectdotes all around
Surrounding your dirt filled ears with sound.
Miracles are waiting to fade from the scene
Fazing me from far out of reach,
But I'm about to take a hold and slow,
Slow or else I won't,
I won't have time to sort which emotion I should suffocate.
Do you think I really missed your descent from grace?
No, the lies that spilled out now gravitate.
Oh, someone has a secret,
Someone has a secret dangling in my face,
Yes someone came equipped with some sinfully alluring bait.
Now rise against the ocean waves,
The sun rays in the desert,
Fuse the elements together just for fun
I know you've always craved such power
And I'll take what I've learned and run,
I'll run forever.
Forever sinking in regret,
Forever straining to forget.
Forever forgetting to remember
That it's so simple: I simply deserve better.

A Little More Betrayed

Slow Down, Don't utter such distasteful words just now. Patience, As I'm trying to find serentity in this cruel existense. Trying with all my might To increase the distance between us tonight. Dissecting myself to figure this out, You've got me stumbling, Struggling, Stuttering steps back to sanity; And nothing said eases my doubts, Only you can clarify reality now. Vague impressions of you left across my skin, My mind, I've circulated through each emotion thousands of times. I've rearranged myself to fit you more completely, To fulfill all of your needs, And while I'm fully consumed by you it seems, You devote your attention to such meaningless things... Utterly senseless, I'm dragged to my senses again, I awoken to realize That it's your heart I'll never win. So unsure you'd ever choose me, Yet I stick around for you to use me. Abandon me, Abuse me, And all the secrets I've been exposing- The feelings I've never tried to hide, The same ones you fabricated to me.. And still I wonder why you lied. Still I cry sometimes My tears to douse the embers inside, To cleanse a bleeding heart That beats itself undone for no one. I wish you'd feel my tears upon your face, Just so you'll turn to where they come from And see me in their place. It's no longer a matter of strength, I'm more concerned with how I'd ever walk away- What would it take, Would I be wrong? What if I'm finally remembered once I'm gone? All this time spent suffocating, Such a waste of air, Relating something to nothing when nothing was there. Patterns of emptiness plagueing me lately, But are you even aware? And last of all I fall from you, If dreams come true, Then soon You should be falling too. Into me, I'll hold you so closely, Make you wonder how you ever smiled without me. Only then I think you'd see How sublimely your life could be lived beside me.. At one time I thought I could lower your guard enough, It would have been that easy If only you weren't so afraid of love

Rebirth

One foot after the other,
I devoured the alien territory in front of me;
I took a walk around, for hours exploring the geography,
Every street corner I stalked unaware,
Noting each lightpost, mailbox, and graffitied sidewalk square.
The scenery changed, and,
Eventually my journey ended where I began.
Finally, this was enough,
To make me feel okay
With this vast expanse we rely on to exist.
To have you so close at heart when you're far away
Is more than mere chance or consequence.
Gratefully, as I toured my own city,
I accomplished a feat I never thought I'd achieve;
I escaped the bonds of my pride-muddled mind,
In my sacrifice I learned that I was living a pitiful lie:
This whole time I was forged, I was plagiarized.
And in the moment I overcame my self-obsession
You were there with a tender expression
As a sum of all my aimless searching;
In your eyes I lost grasp of my former insecurities.
I could say I found my way,
But this would not be sufficient enough -
I shed a shell the devil himself was far too fond of.
After all the unattentive wandering I've done
My sobering assessment conquered my inhibitions.
Now as I relive my awakening through these words,
I feel cured,
For still I feel you near me.
And now that I see what I used to be,
How else could I say:
That mind, body and soul,
I'm amazed at how you've captured me so.

No Cure

There is no cure for humanity.
There is no soul-searching,
Soul-splitting,
Spirit-awakening epiphany
That will unburden a heavy heart
Or wane painfully lengthened thoughts.

Some may escape plagues and cancers,
Some may dodge infectious wars and disasters;
Many survive on minimal knowledge and dubious answers,
But no one can evade humanity,
Not now,
Not ever.

Though one may have no disorders,
Diseases,
Or diagnosable inflictions,
There is still no cure for humanity,
And for this I am afflicted.

In spite of all the mountains I’ve scaled,
All the delicate misfortunes I’ve faced,
I cannot elude the human race
And for this alone I feel a terminal disgrace.

Save my own internal misery I’ve known no tyranny,
And before you I knew nothing of true tragedy.
I’m sorry,
I cannot fix humanity;
What exists in you also exists in me,
Exists in everybody.
There is hardly margin between us, you see,
Since we are all created equally.

Having emerged from wombs of common decree
We’ll be continually defined by humanity,
Perpetually confined by prewritten destiny,
Begrudgingly consumed in solemn anonymity,
Just singular beings among a great many,
Surviving lives of solitude as part of a whole:
Never apart,
Always alone,
Never autonomous,
Always condoned.

So I wonder,
And I wander,
As a fraction of a piece whose entirety is discreet.
For today, if only,
Offer to me the strength I need,
Lend me your perspective so I may see
A new shadow cast on this thing called humanity.
Something tells me this is all we need
To succeed for today with a little relief.

Kid

I am a child,
With only knowledge of the good in life.
I am a kid on a summer day,
And you, my Kool-aid.
You're every reason for me to stray and quench my thirst away,
But it's okay,
Tomorrow there will be more time to play.

I grow, I am a child,
This heart knows no ache for years to come my way;
I am a kid in a rowboat,
And you, my every rolling wake.
You're every pretty fish I wish to feel within my hands -
I know I can,
Despite the world's harshest demands.

I grow, I am a child,
Unsoiled by careless demeanor or anything bad;
I am a kid on a roller coaster,
And you, my Disney Land;
You're every tummy knot that I love to feel unwind,
So many times,
You're still every thrill I seek inside.

I grow, I am a child,
Overjoyed by the simplest things most forget to adore;
I am a kid with bubblegum,
And you, my candy store;
You're the sweet variety that tempts my tongue & steals my thoughts,
Don't think I forgot,
From you, that sugar high I got.

And I grow, I am a child,
Unweighted by a world that won't stop shaking;
I am a kid deep in sleep,
And you, my mound of blankies.
You're every dream I close my eyes to see when I am napping,
Warm and happy,
I'll continue this way if you'll only let me....

I'm a kid, with you,
I could never grow old,
And though I'm contented to keep this innocence around,
I think I'm ready to grow with you now.
For both our sake
We grow,
We remain,
We cultivate this timeless love to share
And grow with each day.

But Nothing Could Be Everything

you barraged my life softly, swiftly
like a seismic storm, undetected, deadly
the memory of the fall remains most piercing of all
like a suicidal tumble toward a concrete embrace
that we faced with a lover's conviction
then your suffering swept over me in tsunami waves
and suffocating from rabid heartbeats i did nothing
there was nothing i could do
courage seems a false friend
crawling on the floor for scraps
i was brave, you were confident
but there was nothing i could do
the arms that should absorb your pain
are petrified lumps of things
having once been worthy they now only serve to remind me
that destiny was never written or sealed
the notion is false, and unforgiving
my tears escape from a smoldering fire i know to be me
but only relatively
they, too, relieve nothing
but in this valley of darkened hopes and charcoal dreams
i recite vows to each and every thread that stitched your skin
in a newly found realism i claim forever
i sneak in open wounds and spread thin
in your veins, there is nothing i can do, save this:
forge myself unto you
to ravage fate, to boldly redecorate
our sanity depends on this escape from nothingness
i don't know how to let go
i cannot return to being a singular soul
i feel as if i failed you once, but never again
know me as yours, until i am cast aside
until the end, i will know you as mine

Mini Love Rant

Love is a crutch, a cancer, a cureall;
An emptying of the soul, a heart that overflows, a primal union of the both, love seems sublimely, vaguely predictable;
Love is natural, is blind, is beautifully cliche - trite but renewing and novel each day;
Love, a testament to everlasting time, a defiance to everything learned of life...Such wondrous things are happening inside.

A New Perspective: I am [In]Significant

August 11th, 2009

I did some much needed soul searching while wandering the shores of Ponte Vedra beach recently. Although I can't say I found my soul - or any hopeful convictions that there was one to find, whether previously or potentially - I did manage to salvage a small bit of enlightenment. Luckily I had pen, paper and some magnificent moonlight to capture the moment(s) of despair and confusion, and then, finally, the subsequent epiphany: these feelings are inevitable but not eternal. Funny how the ocean can make you feel so insignificant in the world, with its grandiose consumption of the horizon and the inescapable sound of crashing waves. I cherish that magnanimity.... Without nights like this, my problems - big and small - would surely amplify a deafening amount.

If courage would grace me
I’d break these cycles of ungrateful pity
And leave the comfort of my egocentric womb;
I’d shake these chains of antipathy
And finally proceed from my self-loathing tomb -
If only some angelic miracle would embrace me,
I'd walk until I reached the moon.
My anatomy could lose all encumbrance of the land,
But alas, I can’t even grasp a generous ray in my hand;
I could walk forever and never reach a thing.
No conclusion, no resolution,
Certainly no sense of direction,
Never a hint of depth perception to adorn my eyes,
All the while wondering how I was devoured alive-
Swallowed whole by longing,
Consumed in my entirety.
And even though it's merely temporary
I feel comfort in not belonging.
This world holds much more beauty
Than I could capture with a lifetime of writing.

Still forward now I coast closer to oblivion,
Each step providing another redundant blister;
Maybe that's all I'm meant to be is a drifter,
Morbidly drawn to the unknown repugnance
With no significance and nothing to offer,
No purpose or motives to alter,
Just an entity providing penned substance
Substantial to no one but me.
I just can't escape existence enough
To clasp a hand around the lunar cast,
And drown the sounds of the ocean with my ignorance;
Eluding these truths is not an option -
I truly could be meant for nothing.

Onward, I wander aimlessly,
Aiming for nothing unintentionally.
Such a painful rupture of this internal rift,
Flaunting the conclusions I drew on everything I knew;
All of them blinded, misguided, and hasty.
Now my pretentious shell lingers, though frail and unsteady,
But at last I grasped the insights I once thought petty.
I’d be wise to recognize this amnesty as a gift;
Desperation, helplessness:
Such shameful attributes I associated with.

My legs still alternate forward and backward,
Certainly less ominous than my awkward speculation.
There's a light in the distance I know to be my destination,
But it's dim, comparatively grim,
Barely visible unlike my moonlit familiarity.
So I trail my own shadow,
Tagging along with a hollow sincerity,
Matching its pace but not leading the way -
It makes me sick it's so cliché.
As I’m returning to a reality I often deemed unworthy
Each footstep is strenuous, forced, coaxed yet sturdy.
Side stepping
Criss crossing
I’ll prevent my feet from landing in the same predicted pattern.
My reach for a connection threatens my taciturn agenda
Far beyond what most simple minds can comprehend,
But my heart has recovered enough to offer simplicity amends;
Finally, I am fine in knowing that this is where it ends.