Untitled

I am me, it's all I know to be
Me being me, at times reluctantly
Some moments sad, some moments happy
Outlooks always alternating
But this is me, and me is all I can be.

My self loathing ways have consumed entire days
And self-righteous fights have created sleepless nights
I've tried, I've failed
I've let my most shameful thoughts prevail
I've been both a mirage and oasis for those I've called friends
But this is still who I am, in the end

So if I am made of emotions that are fleeting
And phantom pains that are temporary
And thoughts that either empower or defeat me
Then I can find comfort in knowing
That the simplest form of me being me
Is a beating heart that is open and steady
A bleeding heart that is warm and ready.

But this heart of mine has limits, you see
It cannot love another before I love me
Before I accept me as a being only progressively complete
As an imperfect exception to a blueprint of perfection

Now you can be you, that's all you can do
You can project your depression in destructive ways
You can protect your fears to push love away
It's your choice to judge me, or even try and nudge me
But don't expect that anything you deflect my way will stay
For I may be impressionable but I will not be swayed.

You want me to be more, yet easier for you if I were damaged
You encourage in me humility, yet imply I be savage
You want me to be better, yet battered
Braggable, yet broken
You prefer I follow the same insane patterns
That landed you at lonely.

See this, too, I can be
Which makes you not so different from me
Perhaps weighted with more burden than you flaunt
I am stronger, kinder, all the wiser
Not more than you, just more than you want.

And though at times I may feel hollow
My God has already illuminated my path
And it's the only one I will choose to follow.

The Tip of the Iceburg

I hate existential thoughts.
I'm tired of wondering why,
How much longer,
Where to after this.
Nothing is promised in life, and certainly no one ever promised that life would be easy. Death seems like the only thing we can count on, but who's to say death isn't just an awakening from this bad dream we know as living?
"They" say everything happens for a reason, and it's easy to see that in retrospect - sometimes. So does that mean our fate is written in the stars?
Better yet, what the fuck does it, or anything, really matter...

Trust, Finally

Finally I trust in love,
'Cause love, I trust in you.
I trust we’ll find our way;
Most lovers wander, without aim,
But I know we’ll find our way.
I know, I trust,
I believe you and I will triumph,
Even despite the time we spent dismantled -
Nevermore, nevermind,
Humankind will someday recognize
That ours is a love
Found is psalms, songs and sonnets,
Proclaimed by poets,
Delicately sewn into sunsets
And throughout the bloom of springtime.
New & renewed by a golden sunshine,
I feel everlasting;
Quitting myself was easy this time.
Happily derailed from my habitual life,
I was mundanely lame,
A beast of a thing.
No, I never knew a truth like this,
I trust in love like never before.
I trust myself simply, wholly,
With a cosmic force -
I divorced the false center of my core,
And I adored you more as I was dying.
Then at your word, I soared,
I enveloped us in life once more,
Absorbed into each and every pore
I feared your breath for the briefest moment,
But found that exhaled, I am pure,
With a trust for us more powerful than ever before.

Wishbone

'Pucker up,' these streets were screaming,
So I'm tasting the asphalt again,
Planting kiss upon kiss on the tire worn pavement,
Allowing the remnants to sift through my barren hands;
The light post pouring reminders upon me
That it was in this spot our story first began...

Someone will have to coax me down,
Gently, now-
The ground relentlessly beckons me from this balcony,
Calling me,
Still calling me yet...
Vowing not to let me forget
That it was here our lips first met.

From afar
The ocean waves crash much the same,
A generic vision captured in my memory unchanged.
But upon the shore
I'm experiencing so much more,
Still hearing our voices with the wind,
And still seeing our footprints in the sand
From the time you and I first realized
How perfect wandering felt side by side.

I remember this raw energy,
The people so busy, hustling by.
None of them seemed to notice
That this was the first time you didn't sit close.
Istantly I knew that something was wrong;
You stayed long enough to explain that you're moving on,
Then rushed off and melted with the crowd,
And just like that: you were gone.
Dazed,
For some time I remained in a decrepit state.
My desperation seeped onto the table, my chair,
Completely infected the air,
And alarmingly, as I sit here today,
I feel as void as the afternoon you walked away.

Now these four walls entangle my consciousness,
I'm reversing the situation for my own sake,
Finally discovering simplicity in all of this,
For finally, I can say:
That I hope you enjoy choking on the wishbone
I just dislodged from my own throat;
Yes I want to see you bleed,
Just one more time for me.

And I think it's about time I've found me
Solid ground to rest my aching limbs
Since I strayed too far into the deep end again.
But I left all false hopes
In the belly of that callous underworld,
Glad now that time has passed
Since you had me fully submerged.
Nowadays, I refuse to revoke the airflow.
These days, I've fully regained my foothold
Having fully, 
Fearlessly, 
Finally let you go.

Someone Has a Secret

Retreating to a cobwebbed corner,
I've left the core of my soul to waste.
Trust or defeat?..I chose the former,
For in past times it was myself I'd isolate.
While the shadows demand that my pupils dialate
Digress, I beg,
Direct your footsteps another way.
Internally wearied by your endless tearflow,
I save my days for hunting your hero;
The night time for lullabies to lay him down,
Sodden notes,
Fallen anectdotes all around
Surrounding your dirt filled ears with sound.
Miracles are waiting to fade from the scene
Fazing me from far out of reach,
But I'm about to take a hold and slow,
Slow or else I won't,
I won't have time to sort which emotion I should suffocate.
Do you think I really missed your descent from grace?
No, the lies that spilled out now gravitate.
Oh, someone has a secret,
Someone has a secret dangling in my face,
Yes someone came equipped with some sinfully alluring bait.
Now rise against the ocean waves,
The sun rays in the desert,
Fuse the elements together just for fun
I know you've always craved such power
And I'll take what I've learned and run,
I'll run forever.
Forever sinking in regret,
Forever straining to forget.
Forever forgetting to remember
That it's so simple: I simply deserve better.

A Little More Betrayed

Slow Down, Don't utter such distasteful words just now. Patience, As I'm trying to find serentity in this cruel existense. Trying with all my might To increase the distance between us tonight. Dissecting myself to figure this out, You've got me stumbling, Struggling, Stuttering steps back to sanity; And nothing said eases my doubts, Only you can clarify reality now. Vague impressions of you left across my skin, My mind, I've circulated through each emotion thousands of times. I've rearranged myself to fit you more completely, To fulfill all of your needs, And while I'm fully consumed by you it seems, You devote your attention to such meaningless things... Utterly senseless, I'm dragged to my senses again, I awoken to realize That it's your heart I'll never win. So unsure you'd ever choose me, Yet I stick around for you to use me. Abandon me, Abuse me, And all the secrets I've been exposing- The feelings I've never tried to hide, The same ones you fabricated to me.. And still I wonder why you lied. Still I cry sometimes My tears to douse the embers inside, To cleanse a bleeding heart That beats itself undone for no one. I wish you'd feel my tears upon your face, Just so you'll turn to where they come from And see me in their place. It's no longer a matter of strength, I'm more concerned with how I'd ever walk away- What would it take, Would I be wrong? What if I'm finally remembered once I'm gone? All this time spent suffocating, Such a waste of air, Relating something to nothing when nothing was there. Patterns of emptiness plagueing me lately, But are you even aware? And last of all I fall from you, If dreams come true, Then soon You should be falling too. Into me, I'll hold you so closely, Make you wonder how you ever smiled without me. Only then I think you'd see How sublimely your life could be lived beside me.. At one time I thought I could lower your guard enough, It would have been that easy If only you weren't so afraid of love

Rebirth

One foot after the other,
I devoured the alien territory in front of me;
I took a walk around, for hours exploring the geography,
Every street corner I stalked unaware,
Noting each lightpost, mailbox, and graffitied sidewalk square.
The scenery changed, and,
Eventually my journey ended where I began.
Finally, this was enough,
To make me feel okay
With this vast expanse we rely on to exist.
To have you so close at heart when you're far away
Is more than mere chance or consequence.
Gratefully, as I toured my own city,
I accomplished a feat I never thought I'd achieve;
I escaped the bonds of my pride-muddled mind,
In my sacrifice I learned that I was living a pitiful lie:
This whole time I was forged, I was plagiarized.
And in the moment I overcame my self-obsession
You were there with a tender expression
As a sum of all my aimless searching;
In your eyes I lost grasp of my former insecurities.
I could say I found my way,
But this would not be sufficient enough -
I shed a shell the devil himself was far too fond of.
After all the unattentive wandering I've done
My sobering assessment conquered my inhibitions.
Now as I relive my awakening through these words,
I feel cured,
For still I feel you near me.
And now that I see what I used to be,
How else could I say:
That mind, body and soul,
I'm amazed at how you've captured me so.

No Cure

There is no cure for humanity.
There is no soul-searching,
Soul-splitting,
Spirit-awakening epiphany
That will unburden a heavy heart
Or wane painfully lengthened thoughts.

Some may escape plagues and cancers,
Some may dodge infectious wars and disasters;
Many survive on minimal knowledge and dubious answers,
But no one can evade humanity,
Not now,
Not ever.

Though one may have no disorders,
Diseases,
Or diagnosable inflictions,
There is still no cure for humanity,
And for this I am afflicted.

In spite of all the mountains I’ve scaled,
All the delicate misfortunes I’ve faced,
I cannot elude the human race
And for this alone I feel a terminal disgrace.

Save my own internal misery I’ve known no tyranny,
And before you I knew nothing of true tragedy.
I’m sorry,
I cannot fix humanity;
What exists in you also exists in me,
Exists in everybody.
There is hardly margin between us, you see,
Since we are all created equally.

Having emerged from wombs of common decree
We’ll be continually defined by humanity,
Perpetually confined by prewritten destiny,
Begrudgingly consumed in solemn anonymity,
Just singular beings among a great many,
Surviving lives of solitude as part of a whole:
Never apart,
Always alone,
Never autonomous,
Always condoned.

So I wonder,
And I wander,
As a fraction of a piece whose entirety is discreet.
For today, if only,
Offer to me the strength I need,
Lend me your perspective so I may see
A new shadow cast on this thing called humanity.
Something tells me this is all we need
To succeed for today with a little relief.

Kid

I am a child,
With only knowledge of the good in life.
I am a kid on a summer day,
And you, my Kool-aid.
You're every reason for me to stray and quench my thirst away,
But it's okay,
Tomorrow there will be more time to play.

I grow, I am a child,
This heart knows no ache for years to come my way;
I am a kid in a rowboat,
And you, my every rolling wake.
You're every pretty fish I wish to feel within my hands -
I know I can,
Despite the world's harshest demands.

I grow, I am a child,
Unsoiled by careless demeanor or anything bad;
I am a kid on a roller coaster,
And you, my Disney Land;
You're every tummy knot that I love to feel unwind,
So many times,
You're still every thrill I seek inside.

I grow, I am a child,
Overjoyed by the simplest things most forget to adore;
I am a kid with bubblegum,
And you, my candy store;
You're the sweet variety that tempts my tongue & steals my thoughts,
Don't think I forgot,
From you, that sugar high I got.

And I grow, I am a child,
Unweighted by a world that won't stop shaking;
I am a kid deep in sleep,
And you, my mound of blankies.
You're every dream I close my eyes to see when I am napping,
Warm and happy,
I'll continue this way if you'll only let me....

I'm a kid, with you,
I could never grow old,
And though I'm contented to keep this innocence around,
I think I'm ready to grow with you now.
For both our sake
We grow,
We remain,
We cultivate this timeless love to share
And grow with each day.

But Nothing Could Be Everything

you barraged my life softly, swiftly
like a seismic storm, undetected, deadly
the memory of the fall remains most piercing of all
like a suicidal tumble toward a concrete embrace
that we faced with a lover's conviction
then your suffering swept over me in tsunami waves
and suffocating from rabid heartbeats i did nothing
there was nothing i could do
courage seems a false friend
crawling on the floor for scraps
i was brave, you were confident
but there was nothing i could do
the arms that should absorb your pain
are petrified lumps of things
having once been worthy they now only serve to remind me
that destiny was never written or sealed
the notion is false, and unforgiving
my tears escape from a smoldering fire i know to be me
but only relatively
they, too, relieve nothing
but in this valley of darkened hopes and charcoal dreams
i recite vows to each and every thread that stitched your skin
in a newly found realism i claim forever
i sneak in open wounds and spread thin
in your veins, there is nothing i can do, save this:
forge myself unto you
to ravage fate, to boldly redecorate
our sanity depends on this escape from nothingness
i don't know how to let go
i cannot return to being a singular soul
i feel as if i failed you once, but never again
know me as yours, until i am cast aside
until the end, i will know you as mine